nick is away in sg right now...for the past weeks we've been toking about our future and the break he's been looking forward to...im glad he began to open up during the past week or so that allows me to gain a little peek into his normally secluded world...it's sad that i feel this way about him since we've been together for 7 yrs...it's like i know him for ages...i know him but i dont know him...it's complicated..i dont even know whats going on btwn us..the last date we have was amazing...it made me feel loved by him...while we watch a stupid movie and he cuddled me..feeling contented and happy..i wish it would last forever...i dont know what caused the sudden change though......was he feeling guilty or bad that he's gona leave me soon?
he wanted to take this break...for a couple of months...it's not so much of the break that's hurtin me but more so the cause of the break....as much as he said the break was to have the freedom he longed for but it's just as much that he wanted to rekindle his feelings for me or to put it more accurately..to see if we could work out in the long run as he has not even think about our future together as a couple...and it still hurts.....the reason i stayed in the r;ship thus long is becos i thought we are going to have a future together...it's hard to comprehend and hard to swallow and accept the fact taht the person ur with isnt as commited to the rship and isnt tinking about the rship the way that i thought he is/should...i wished he couldve told me sooner...i wish i dont have to go thru this..i wish my rship is as smooth sailing as others...y isit so hard for him to be with me? y does he have to hurt me n neglect my feelings all the time? y do i feel like a toy to him...y does he have to play w my fragile heart? y cant he go thru life hand in hand w me? y am i always the one being laid on the chopping board...y am i so goddamn weak!! Y cant i decide my own destiny...y do i want so much to be with this guy...y cant i let go?? what do i see in this rship tat he cant see??
theres so much on my mind right now...i cant seem to think straight and i cant tok to him about it..ive been repeating the same questions to him and he's gona get frustrated n loses his temper again...but what can i say...i still feel insecure...mebbe i wanted to know so badly if he tinks im the one for him...he told me tat he loves me...but his love for me is not unconditional love...it's different...he can always love me but not be with me..love me when im "behaving"...love me when he deemed fit...n im scared to get hurt again....i wonder if this break gona work out?? what kinda person is he? do i wanna be with someone like him for the long term? who runs away from probs?? can he provide me w the security i need? and most importantly...does he tinks im the one for him?? seriously......
it's funny...once i stepped into 2009...evthg has changed...topics among frens now revolve around our rships...and about getting hitched...about their dreams n future and endless questions on when am i getting hitched...im feeling the pressure now...ppl around are actually starting to expect me to get engaged or really serious in my rship...n im starting to give it some thought...not about getting married right NOW...but about finding the right person for myself...and to get serious about it....i dont wanna get married right here right now but it's nice to know who's willing to walk down the aisle with u and want to spend the rest of their life w u...sighh...not only im a romantic...im a dreamer...waiting for her prince charming....sighhhh......
I told my mom tat we're going to take a break in due time..and said it in a matter of fact kinda way...and even tried to convince her y the break is necessary...telling her how important to have time apart and how i needed to have space...she must have thought it's the IN thing to do...and said she can understand...no matter hw much she hoped for me to settle down w a good man...she jus wants me to be happy...but im not...i have to put on a fake smile...even tho it hurts so much inside..to tell her i wanted this n neeeded this...in fact i needed the opposite...life sucks...i jus want a normal rship where couple naturally thought of settling down after spendng years together....y my life is so screwed up?
im so worried bout my job now...im desparate for a job...n still no news from P&G...n its monday tomm...i need to give an answer to maybank... and yet i dont know what i should do........i really dont want to relive this part of my life again...life sucks....i wish this could all go away soon..i have no choice but to h0ope for the best....
Recent Posts
