nick is away in sg right now...for the past weeks we've been toking about our future and the break he's been looking forward to...im glad he began to open up during the past week or so that allows me to gain a little peek into his normally secluded world...it's sad that i feel this way about him since we've been together for 7 yrs...it's like i know him for ages...i know him but i dont know him...it's complicated..i dont even know whats going on btwn us..the last date we have was amazing...it made me feel loved by him...while we watch a stupid movie and he cuddled me..feeling contented and happy..i wish it would last forever...i dont know what caused the sudden change though......was he feeling guilty or bad that he's gona leave me soon?
he wanted to take this break...for a couple of months...it's not so much of the break that's hurtin me but more so the cause of the break....as much as he said the break was to have the freedom he longed for but it's just as much that he wanted to rekindle his feelings for me or to put it more accurately..to see if we could work out in the long run as he has not even think about our future together as a couple...and it still hurts.....the reason i stayed in the r;ship thus long is becos i thought we are going to have a future together...it's hard to comprehend and hard to swallow and accept the fact taht the person ur with isnt as commited to the rship and isnt tinking about the rship the way that i thought he is/should...i wished he couldve told me sooner...i wish i dont have to go thru this..i wish my rship is as smooth sailing as others...y isit so hard for him to be with me? y does he have to hurt me n neglect my feelings all the time? y do i feel like a toy to him...y does he have to play w my fragile heart? y cant he go thru life hand in hand w me? y am i always the one being laid on the chopping board...y am i so goddamn weak!! Y cant i decide my own destiny...y do i want so much to be with this guy...y cant i let go?? what do i see in this rship tat he cant see??
theres so much on my mind right now...i cant seem to think straight and i cant tok to him about it..ive been repeating the same questions to him and he's gona get frustrated n loses his temper again...but what can i say...i still feel insecure...mebbe i wanted to know so badly if he tinks im the one for him...he told me tat he loves me...but his love for me is not unconditional love...it's different...he can always love me but not be with me..love me when im "behaving"...love me when he deemed fit...n im scared to get hurt again....i wonder if this break gona work out?? what kinda person is he? do i wanna be with someone like him for the long term? who runs away from probs?? can he provide me w the security i need? and most importantly...does he tinks im the one for him?? seriously......
it's funny...once i stepped into 2009...evthg has changed...topics among frens now revolve around our rships...and about getting hitched...about their dreams n future and endless questions on when am i getting hitched...im feeling the pressure now...ppl around are actually starting to expect me to get engaged or really serious in my rship...n im starting to give it some thought...not about getting married right NOW...but about finding the right person for myself...and to get serious about it....i dont wanna get married right here right now but it's nice to know who's willing to walk down the aisle with u and want to spend the rest of their life w u...sighh...not only im a romantic...im a dreamer...waiting for her prince charming....sighhhh......
I told my mom tat we're going to take a break in due time..and said it in a matter of fact kinda way...and even tried to convince her y the break is necessary...telling her how important to have time apart and how i needed to have space...she must have thought it's the IN thing to do...and said she can understand...no matter hw much she hoped for me to settle down w a good man...she jus wants me to be happy...but im not...i have to put on a fake smile...even tho it hurts so much inside..to tell her i wanted this n neeeded this...in fact i needed the opposite...life sucks...i jus want a normal rship where couple naturally thought of settling down after spendng years together....y my life is so screwed up?
im so worried bout my job now...im desparate for a job...n still no news from P&G...n its monday tomm...i need to give an answer to maybank... and yet i dont know what i should do........i really dont want to relive this part of my life again...life sucks....i wish this could all go away soon..i have no choice but to h0ope for the best....
Recent Posts
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Monday, June 18, 2007
woe is me...
im leaving for UK in 3days time...n he's gona get his keys to his apt...it hurts that i dont get to see the house with him...n even more knowing that he din feel a thing...no aww..tat sucks...NOTHIN'...all i get was...well...i cant help it right......
he's tryin to get the house rented out as soon as possible...means he has to furnish it ...which wil prob take plc when im over in europe...meant when im back n my first sight of the apt will be all furnished...i know i have no say whatsoever in on what he's gona buy n how he's gona decorate his plc but i can help but felt left out...i know he wants to be independent n all..make his own decisions...i respect that but it hurts that his mom or dad or him is gona get the kitchen fixed...i still remember like a year ago when he bought his apt...i've already told him i wish to decide hws the kitchen gona look like n i've dreamt about the day ever since.....I've prob think too much...im the only who think that one day i might ended up cooking in that kitchen...n i wanted to be the one who design n choose it...or at least have a bit of say in it...but heck..am i naive......for him its just a damn kitchen......
it's prob just me...is it normal? to think bout our future? does he do the same? he doesnt seem to...which still comes down to the same question that seems to keep bothering me...are we meant to be? i envy those couple who seems to have a common dream bout their future...plans about their future...its so sweet and make the gal felt so safe n secure...we nvr did have those...not together...it's all ME...describing everything n he mostly just nods or act along...nvr a dream from him......am i taking this too far? is he really serious bout this?mebbe i need to make dreams for me...ALONE....
izit wrong to stand up for ur gf? why is he so worried bout what he's gona tell his parents when his parents ask him why cant they fix the kitchen? why must it be ...she asked me to wait...if i deco it ...she'll mengamuk...instead of im steady with her n i wan her to be a part of this or she'll be the one cooking in there in the future so i wanted it to be special for her?? it would seems so natural when i tell my parents if im in his shoes...its nvr the case cos tats hw he tinks of it...he nvr did wan me to deco it in the first plc...it doesnt matter to him who does it or if i wanna do it...im nvr in the picture....it hurtssss.......
he told me that y cant i just make my pt n leave it to him n trust him to make the right decision...i mean...will he? it doesnt even make sense to him y i insisted on deco the kitchen...n he made it more than obvious that it all depends when he get the keys n when he's renting it out...n he's worried bout what his parents gona think..n have no idea hw to stand up for his gf...n hes asking me to trust him to make the right decision? can i really???
i can...when he's like..true...i understand that...i wish for u to cook in there one day n i wud really like it if u can have a kitchen u'll be comfy in.....den yes...i'll fully trust him...sadly...this is not the case....
from what he said...it seems like its just not as simple as his parents juts helping out in the finance dept ...but it seems like the portion he paid seems to equal amt of say they have in everything else...
but hey...y am i so bothered bout this stuff n let it get to me??? like he said..its not even my hse........
it says it all......
he's tryin to get the house rented out as soon as possible...means he has to furnish it ...which wil prob take plc when im over in europe...meant when im back n my first sight of the apt will be all furnished...i know i have no say whatsoever in on what he's gona buy n how he's gona decorate his plc but i can help but felt left out...i know he wants to be independent n all..make his own decisions...i respect that but it hurts that his mom or dad or him is gona get the kitchen fixed...i still remember like a year ago when he bought his apt...i've already told him i wish to decide hws the kitchen gona look like n i've dreamt about the day ever since.....I've prob think too much...im the only who think that one day i might ended up cooking in that kitchen...n i wanted to be the one who design n choose it...or at least have a bit of say in it...but heck..am i naive......for him its just a damn kitchen......
it's prob just me...is it normal? to think bout our future? does he do the same? he doesnt seem to...which still comes down to the same question that seems to keep bothering me...are we meant to be? i envy those couple who seems to have a common dream bout their future...plans about their future...its so sweet and make the gal felt so safe n secure...we nvr did have those...not together...it's all ME...describing everything n he mostly just nods or act along...nvr a dream from him......am i taking this too far? is he really serious bout this?mebbe i need to make dreams for me...ALONE....
izit wrong to stand up for ur gf? why is he so worried bout what he's gona tell his parents when his parents ask him why cant they fix the kitchen? why must it be ...she asked me to wait...if i deco it ...she'll mengamuk...instead of im steady with her n i wan her to be a part of this or she'll be the one cooking in there in the future so i wanted it to be special for her?? it would seems so natural when i tell my parents if im in his shoes...its nvr the case cos tats hw he tinks of it...he nvr did wan me to deco it in the first plc...it doesnt matter to him who does it or if i wanna do it...im nvr in the picture....it hurtssss.......
he told me that y cant i just make my pt n leave it to him n trust him to make the right decision...i mean...will he? it doesnt even make sense to him y i insisted on deco the kitchen...n he made it more than obvious that it all depends when he get the keys n when he's renting it out...n he's worried bout what his parents gona think..n have no idea hw to stand up for his gf...n hes asking me to trust him to make the right decision? can i really???
i can...when he's like..true...i understand that...i wish for u to cook in there one day n i wud really like it if u can have a kitchen u'll be comfy in.....den yes...i'll fully trust him...sadly...this is not the case....
from what he said...it seems like its just not as simple as his parents juts helping out in the finance dept ...but it seems like the portion he paid seems to equal amt of say they have in everything else...
but hey...y am i so bothered bout this stuff n let it get to me??? like he said..its not even my hse........
it says it all......
Sunday, May 13, 2007
lucky me
being the fickled minded me..ive reclaimed back the mail...i just want him to be happy in sg at the mo...n on the other hand..im not sure im ready to go thru it now...i'll give it more thought n talk to him again n hopefully we'll figure something out...sigh....rship do sucks...ALOTT...
i dunno why i cant check yahoo mail on aunt's comp. n unable to mark the msges..as i mentioned before ...i dont have a copy so i cant delete it yet i cant fwd it to my mail...luckily my own laptop cooperated long enuff forme to do all this....cos it has been giivn me problems before....
well...we'll see how it goes from here...i'llbe back soon enough i think....
i dunno why i cant check yahoo mail on aunt's comp. n unable to mark the msges..as i mentioned before ...i dont have a copy so i cant delete it yet i cant fwd it to my mail...luckily my own laptop cooperated long enuff forme to do all this....cos it has been giivn me problems before....
well...we'll see how it goes from here...i'llbe back soon enough i think....
The fateful letter
I've just sent a letter to him...a long letter n i would say a pretty harsh letter...i dont know what the outcome will be n how he'll take it but i dont know if i can handle it either way....im just so so confused right now....i typed the letter yet i dunno if i shud send it..in the end i sent it...n i regretted it n i deletedit yet i changed my mind again...but i cudnt resend it again n i thought i saved it in my drafts bt it was empty...so i asked him to read it after his exams n after his night out with his frens...iwudnt wanna spoil his mood for his night out...n i asked him to resend it back to me....i wanted a copy of my thought...:S ...im anxious to know the outcome yet im so afraid of it...sigh...rship is so hard to live with yet i cant live without it....y does it have to be so tough...
but i guess my final decision to send the letter was becos i knew he wanted to be free n be himself n with me around..he'll nvr be happy n he cant make me happy cos im the cause of his unhappiness....i guess tat doesnt leave much of an option does it?? i mean? i really dont know hw to be together yet we're apart...it would be too hard to handle...n with nothing left in our love bank...i doubt we'llbe able to survive it....n it'll only cause more heartbreaks...i really do love him...but are we really meant for each other? the only time he spoke of his future family is that he would wan to attend weekly church gath with the whole family n after tat...he nvr spoke of it anymore...mebbe its becos hes afraid im nt gona agree with that n it'll upset me..its true...
i wudnt wanna stand in the way..he'll be much happier mebbe as a xtian with religion to guide him n wud be much happier with someone who shares the same faith n thought as him... he's brought up tat way n he's hapytat way...its unfair to tear him away from all that he ever knew...
sigh........im super confused rightnow...its like i have no control over the rship n it has just rolled outta control....we've been avoiding it cos we're afraid of hw much it is gona hurt when we parted yet in the process...we've been getting hurt again n again...hw ironic huh...
i leave it up to him yet i dont know what decision he's gona make......watever it is...it's surely gona hurt as hell...i just wan himto make the right decision....
but i guess my final decision to send the letter was becos i knew he wanted to be free n be himself n with me around..he'll nvr be happy n he cant make me happy cos im the cause of his unhappiness....i guess tat doesnt leave much of an option does it?? i mean? i really dont know hw to be together yet we're apart...it would be too hard to handle...n with nothing left in our love bank...i doubt we'llbe able to survive it....n it'll only cause more heartbreaks...i really do love him...but are we really meant for each other? the only time he spoke of his future family is that he would wan to attend weekly church gath with the whole family n after tat...he nvr spoke of it anymore...mebbe its becos hes afraid im nt gona agree with that n it'll upset me..its true...
i wudnt wanna stand in the way..he'll be much happier mebbe as a xtian with religion to guide him n wud be much happier with someone who shares the same faith n thought as him... he's brought up tat way n he's hapytat way...its unfair to tear him away from all that he ever knew...
sigh........im super confused rightnow...its like i have no control over the rship n it has just rolled outta control....we've been avoiding it cos we're afraid of hw much it is gona hurt when we parted yet in the process...we've been getting hurt again n again...hw ironic huh...
i leave it up to him yet i dont know what decision he's gona make......watever it is...it's surely gona hurt as hell...i just wan himto make the right decision....
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
eeiks! the erased the last line!!
what i meant to state was :
if he were to have a formula now..this would be it..
Replacement costs< Net realisable Value< Deprival Value :P
Smart leh...im SUCH A GENIUSSSS!!!!!
what i meant to state was :
if he were to have a formula now..this would be it..
Replacement costs< Net realisable Value< Deprival Value :P
Smart leh...im SUCH A GENIUSSSS!!!!!
cloud's silver lining
spent the afternoon studyin...although not feelin too great but still managed to get some studyin done...thanks to peishan...if not i would either hide under the blankie whole day or just sit in front of the tv n do nuthing...
he called in the evening n i was still pretty upset about the whole thing therefore i just ignored him...till later tonight..finally we spoke ...was quite heated in the beginning but as the arguments go on n i let all my frus out n my thoughts are heard...i felt much better...nuthing helps better than a gd heartfelt cry....it's like a storm that clears everything in its way n ended with a rainbow...just the best feeling in the world....
I still cant decide if we were truly meant for each other...i mean...we have our differences n etc...but who doesnt...thats what makes everything interesting altho i might cause trouble as well..but this much i know is true...i like the way he laughs...the good natured kan hyena laughter nvr fails to light up the room n his tak tau malu type of attitude might bring out the shy part in me...n i always like the athletic sporty type of guys...even though that fella prob cant run a 100m without a tongkat now...but still..he WAS...n hopefully that helps...i know he can be romantic n thoughtful when he wants to..i'll just havta keep wondering how to bring that side of him out more often....a hint of sensitiveness would be gd at times of crisis....hopefully he'll love me more n more each day...
At the end of the day...i do want him n i want him to want me....as the so called irritatin phrase goes : Pick ME...Choose ME...Love ME...:P
I would say his Replacement costs
he called in the evening n i was still pretty upset about the whole thing therefore i just ignored him...till later tonight..finally we spoke ...was quite heated in the beginning but as the arguments go on n i let all my frus out n my thoughts are heard...i felt much better...nuthing helps better than a gd heartfelt cry....it's like a storm that clears everything in its way n ended with a rainbow...just the best feeling in the world....
I still cant decide if we were truly meant for each other...i mean...we have our differences n etc...but who doesnt...thats what makes everything interesting altho i might cause trouble as well..but this much i know is true...i like the way he laughs...the good natured kan hyena laughter nvr fails to light up the room n his tak tau malu type of attitude might bring out the shy part in me...n i always like the athletic sporty type of guys...even though that fella prob cant run a 100m without a tongkat now...but still..he WAS...n hopefully that helps...i know he can be romantic n thoughtful when he wants to..i'll just havta keep wondering how to bring that side of him out more often....a hint of sensitiveness would be gd at times of crisis....hopefully he'll love me more n more each day...
At the end of the day...i do want him n i want him to want me....as the so called irritatin phrase goes : Pick ME...Choose ME...Love ME...:P
I would say his Replacement costs
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Red eyes Red
Been crying myself silly....n at moments like this...this song nvr fails to translate my feelings into words...
I thought that you'd be loving me
I thought you were the one who'd stay forever
But now forever's come and gone
And I'm still here alone'
Cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start
It was you who put the clouds around me
It was you who made the tears fall down
It was you who broke my heart in pieces
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue
Oh, I never should have trusted you
I thought that I'd be all you need
In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven
And now my heaven's gone away
And I'm out in the cold' Cause you had me believing,
You had me believing in a lie
Guess I couldn't see it ,I guess I couldn't see it till I saw goodbye
It was you who put the clouds around me
It was you who made the tears fall down
It was you who broke my heart in pieces
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue
it nvr fails to break the dam AGAIN either....
i read our older blogs n i nvr fail to tear...
only those days were here...
i would hold dear...
mebbe i did truly loved him
but feelings were gone n replaced by sorrows...
what can i do.....what can i do?????
the dawn is breaking now n i can only hope for a brand new day....
I thought that you'd be loving me
I thought you were the one who'd stay forever
But now forever's come and gone
And I'm still here alone'
Cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start
It was you who put the clouds around me
It was you who made the tears fall down
It was you who broke my heart in pieces
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue
Oh, I never should have trusted you
I thought that I'd be all you need
In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven
And now my heaven's gone away
And I'm out in the cold' Cause you had me believing,
You had me believing in a lie
Guess I couldn't see it ,I guess I couldn't see it till I saw goodbye
It was you who put the clouds around me
It was you who made the tears fall down
It was you who broke my heart in pieces
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue
it nvr fails to break the dam AGAIN either....
i read our older blogs n i nvr fail to tear...
only those days were here...
i would hold dear...
mebbe i did truly loved him
but feelings were gone n replaced by sorrows...
what can i do.....what can i do?????
the dawn is breaking now n i can only hope for a brand new day....