im leaving for UK in 3days time...n he's gona get his keys to his apt...it hurts that i dont get to see the house with him...n even more knowing that he din feel a thing...no aww..tat sucks...NOTHIN'...all i get was...well...i cant help it right......
he's tryin to get the house rented out as soon as possible...means he has to furnish it ...which wil prob take plc when im over in europe...meant when im back n my first sight of the apt will be all furnished...i know i have no say whatsoever in on what he's gona buy n how he's gona decorate his plc but i can help but felt left out...i know he wants to be independent n all..make his own decisions...i respect that but it hurts that his mom or dad or him is gona get the kitchen fixed...i still remember like a year ago when he bought his apt...i've already told him i wish to decide hws the kitchen gona look like n i've dreamt about the day ever since.....I've prob think too much...im the only who think that one day i might ended up cooking in that kitchen...n i wanted to be the one who design n choose it...or at least have a bit of say in it...but heck..am i naive......for him its just a damn kitchen......
it's prob just me...is it normal? to think bout our future? does he do the same? he doesnt seem to...which still comes down to the same question that seems to keep bothering me...are we meant to be? i envy those couple who seems to have a common dream bout their future...plans about their future...its so sweet and make the gal felt so safe n secure...we nvr did have those...not together...it's all ME...describing everything n he mostly just nods or act along...nvr a dream from him......am i taking this too far? is he really serious bout this?mebbe i need to make dreams for me...ALONE....
izit wrong to stand up for ur gf? why is he so worried bout what he's gona tell his parents when his parents ask him why cant they fix the kitchen? why must it be ...she asked me to wait...if i deco it ...she'll mengamuk...instead of im steady with her n i wan her to be a part of this or she'll be the one cooking in there in the future so i wanted it to be special for her?? it would seems so natural when i tell my parents if im in his shoes...its nvr the case cos tats hw he tinks of it...he nvr did wan me to deco it in the first plc...it doesnt matter to him who does it or if i wanna do it...im nvr in the picture....it hurtssss.......
he told me that y cant i just make my pt n leave it to him n trust him to make the right decision...i mean...will he? it doesnt even make sense to him y i insisted on deco the kitchen...n he made it more than obvious that it all depends when he get the keys n when he's renting it out...n he's worried bout what his parents gona think..n have no idea hw to stand up for his gf...n hes asking me to trust him to make the right decision? can i really???
i can...when he's like..true...i understand that...i wish for u to cook in there one day n i wud really like it if u can have a kitchen u'll be comfy in.....den yes...i'll fully trust him...sadly...this is not the case....
from what he said...it seems like its just not as simple as his parents juts helping out in the finance dept ...but it seems like the portion he paid seems to equal amt of say they have in everything else...
but hey...y am i so bothered bout this stuff n let it get to me??? like he said..its not even my hse........
it says it all......
Recent Posts
Monday, June 18, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
lucky me
being the fickled minded me..ive reclaimed back the mail...i just want him to be happy in sg at the mo...n on the other hand..im not sure im ready to go thru it now...i'll give it more thought n talk to him again n hopefully we'll figure something out...sigh....rship do sucks...ALOTT...
i dunno why i cant check yahoo mail on aunt's comp. n unable to mark the msges..as i mentioned before ...i dont have a copy so i cant delete it yet i cant fwd it to my mail...luckily my own laptop cooperated long enuff forme to do all this....cos it has been giivn me problems before....
well...we'll see how it goes from here...i'llbe back soon enough i think....
i dunno why i cant check yahoo mail on aunt's comp. n unable to mark the msges..as i mentioned before ...i dont have a copy so i cant delete it yet i cant fwd it to my mail...luckily my own laptop cooperated long enuff forme to do all this....cos it has been giivn me problems before....
well...we'll see how it goes from here...i'llbe back soon enough i think....
The fateful letter
I've just sent a letter to him...a long letter n i would say a pretty harsh letter...i dont know what the outcome will be n how he'll take it but i dont know if i can handle it either way....im just so so confused right now....i typed the letter yet i dunno if i shud send it..in the end i sent it...n i regretted it n i deletedit yet i changed my mind again...but i cudnt resend it again n i thought i saved it in my drafts bt it was empty...so i asked him to read it after his exams n after his night out with his frens...iwudnt wanna spoil his mood for his night out...n i asked him to resend it back to me....i wanted a copy of my thought...:S ...im anxious to know the outcome yet im so afraid of it...sigh...rship is so hard to live with yet i cant live without it....y does it have to be so tough...
but i guess my final decision to send the letter was becos i knew he wanted to be free n be himself n with me around..he'll nvr be happy n he cant make me happy cos im the cause of his unhappiness....i guess tat doesnt leave much of an option does it?? i mean? i really dont know hw to be together yet we're apart...it would be too hard to handle...n with nothing left in our love bank...i doubt we'llbe able to survive it....n it'll only cause more heartbreaks...i really do love him...but are we really meant for each other? the only time he spoke of his future family is that he would wan to attend weekly church gath with the whole family n after tat...he nvr spoke of it anymore...mebbe its becos hes afraid im nt gona agree with that n it'll upset me..its true...
i wudnt wanna stand in the way..he'll be much happier mebbe as a xtian with religion to guide him n wud be much happier with someone who shares the same faith n thought as him... he's brought up tat way n he's hapytat way...its unfair to tear him away from all that he ever knew...
sigh........im super confused rightnow...its like i have no control over the rship n it has just rolled outta control....we've been avoiding it cos we're afraid of hw much it is gona hurt when we parted yet in the process...we've been getting hurt again n again...hw ironic huh...
i leave it up to him yet i dont know what decision he's gona make......watever it is...it's surely gona hurt as hell...i just wan himto make the right decision....
but i guess my final decision to send the letter was becos i knew he wanted to be free n be himself n with me around..he'll nvr be happy n he cant make me happy cos im the cause of his unhappiness....i guess tat doesnt leave much of an option does it?? i mean? i really dont know hw to be together yet we're apart...it would be too hard to handle...n with nothing left in our love bank...i doubt we'llbe able to survive it....n it'll only cause more heartbreaks...i really do love him...but are we really meant for each other? the only time he spoke of his future family is that he would wan to attend weekly church gath with the whole family n after tat...he nvr spoke of it anymore...mebbe its becos hes afraid im nt gona agree with that n it'll upset me..its true...
i wudnt wanna stand in the way..he'll be much happier mebbe as a xtian with religion to guide him n wud be much happier with someone who shares the same faith n thought as him... he's brought up tat way n he's hapytat way...its unfair to tear him away from all that he ever knew...
sigh........im super confused rightnow...its like i have no control over the rship n it has just rolled outta control....we've been avoiding it cos we're afraid of hw much it is gona hurt when we parted yet in the process...we've been getting hurt again n again...hw ironic huh...
i leave it up to him yet i dont know what decision he's gona make......watever it is...it's surely gona hurt as hell...i just wan himto make the right decision....
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
eeiks! the erased the last line!!
what i meant to state was :
if he were to have a formula now..this would be it..
Replacement costs< Net realisable Value< Deprival Value :P
Smart leh...im SUCH A GENIUSSSS!!!!!
what i meant to state was :
if he were to have a formula now..this would be it..
Replacement costs< Net realisable Value< Deprival Value :P
Smart leh...im SUCH A GENIUSSSS!!!!!
cloud's silver lining
spent the afternoon studyin...although not feelin too great but still managed to get some studyin done...thanks to peishan...if not i would either hide under the blankie whole day or just sit in front of the tv n do nuthing...
he called in the evening n i was still pretty upset about the whole thing therefore i just ignored him...till later tonight..finally we spoke ...was quite heated in the beginning but as the arguments go on n i let all my frus out n my thoughts are heard...i felt much better...nuthing helps better than a gd heartfelt cry....it's like a storm that clears everything in its way n ended with a rainbow...just the best feeling in the world....
I still cant decide if we were truly meant for each other...i mean...we have our differences n etc...but who doesnt...thats what makes everything interesting altho i might cause trouble as well..but this much i know is true...i like the way he laughs...the good natured kan hyena laughter nvr fails to light up the room n his tak tau malu type of attitude might bring out the shy part in me...n i always like the athletic sporty type of guys...even though that fella prob cant run a 100m without a tongkat now...but still..he WAS...n hopefully that helps...i know he can be romantic n thoughtful when he wants to..i'll just havta keep wondering how to bring that side of him out more often....a hint of sensitiveness would be gd at times of crisis....hopefully he'll love me more n more each day...
At the end of the day...i do want him n i want him to want me....as the so called irritatin phrase goes : Pick ME...Choose ME...Love ME...:P
I would say his Replacement costs
he called in the evening n i was still pretty upset about the whole thing therefore i just ignored him...till later tonight..finally we spoke ...was quite heated in the beginning but as the arguments go on n i let all my frus out n my thoughts are heard...i felt much better...nuthing helps better than a gd heartfelt cry....it's like a storm that clears everything in its way n ended with a rainbow...just the best feeling in the world....
I still cant decide if we were truly meant for each other...i mean...we have our differences n etc...but who doesnt...thats what makes everything interesting altho i might cause trouble as well..but this much i know is true...i like the way he laughs...the good natured kan hyena laughter nvr fails to light up the room n his tak tau malu type of attitude might bring out the shy part in me...n i always like the athletic sporty type of guys...even though that fella prob cant run a 100m without a tongkat now...but still..he WAS...n hopefully that helps...i know he can be romantic n thoughtful when he wants to..i'll just havta keep wondering how to bring that side of him out more often....a hint of sensitiveness would be gd at times of crisis....hopefully he'll love me more n more each day...
At the end of the day...i do want him n i want him to want me....as the so called irritatin phrase goes : Pick ME...Choose ME...Love ME...:P
I would say his Replacement costs
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Red eyes Red
Been crying myself silly....n at moments like this...this song nvr fails to translate my feelings into words...
I thought that you'd be loving me
I thought you were the one who'd stay forever
But now forever's come and gone
And I'm still here alone'
Cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start
It was you who put the clouds around me
It was you who made the tears fall down
It was you who broke my heart in pieces
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue
Oh, I never should have trusted you
I thought that I'd be all you need
In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven
And now my heaven's gone away
And I'm out in the cold' Cause you had me believing,
You had me believing in a lie
Guess I couldn't see it ,I guess I couldn't see it till I saw goodbye
It was you who put the clouds around me
It was you who made the tears fall down
It was you who broke my heart in pieces
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue
it nvr fails to break the dam AGAIN either....
i read our older blogs n i nvr fail to tear...
only those days were here...
i would hold dear...
mebbe i did truly loved him
but feelings were gone n replaced by sorrows...
what can i do.....what can i do?????
the dawn is breaking now n i can only hope for a brand new day....
I thought that you'd be loving me
I thought you were the one who'd stay forever
But now forever's come and gone
And I'm still here alone'
Cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start
It was you who put the clouds around me
It was you who made the tears fall down
It was you who broke my heart in pieces
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue
Oh, I never should have trusted you
I thought that I'd be all you need
In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven
And now my heaven's gone away
And I'm out in the cold' Cause you had me believing,
You had me believing in a lie
Guess I couldn't see it ,I guess I couldn't see it till I saw goodbye
It was you who put the clouds around me
It was you who made the tears fall down
It was you who broke my heart in pieces
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue
it nvr fails to break the dam AGAIN either....
i read our older blogs n i nvr fail to tear...
only those days were here...
i would hold dear...
mebbe i did truly loved him
but feelings were gone n replaced by sorrows...
what can i do.....what can i do?????
the dawn is breaking now n i can only hope for a brand new day....
love or not to love...
Tonight has been bad for me...i told myself i havta study..im left behind yet im not able to do so...i think i might have depression...i cant sleep well..im not eating too well...n i definitely dont feel well at all...im so stressed out n emotional...n he's not helping at all...i thought 3 weeks will fly by in a blink..it kinda did...at least in my studies...anyway...back to my depression...i thought it'll go away eventually..im sleepin a bit better compared to the time when im sick yet tonight i cant seem to settle my mind...
i've been cryin n did nuthing for 4hrs since he last called me....its no help for my depression at all...he called me...n we talk...he talked bout his sleep over with his buddies yet i dont know why i just felt this pang of anger outta no where...the emotions just rushed into my head...i have no control over it....i didnt know where it came from n i didnt know how to stop it...what i knew was...he seems to have so much fun yesterday night...it's defn not jealousy but this frus in me tat just cant wait to get out...my mind was thinking...how can he have fun when it's WAYY over his bed time...n he told me tat this happens whenever he's out with his buddies...n i kinda knew where all this pent up anger came from....im angry tat he had fun stayin up late!! n he aint complaining!!! its so obvious its all just bout me...whenever we argued n im sad...its always his excuse to be tired n need to get some sleep! dont u think its a much valid excuse to stay awake cos ur gf is upset n u knew she wudnt get any rest n wud be awfully hurt n upset when she's left alone? doesnt he know tat gals need to be comforted n settle everything in their head before they can rest? n why a football match or a movie be a better reason to stay up??? y do i always get pushed aside ? i dnmean tosound like a hypocrite...i did wan him to have fun..but mebbe all the pent up frus n unsettled emotions piled up from the past comes back n haunt u...cant he see tat?? cant he see that it's all pent up emotions? its not just this particular one time..it happens all the time whenever he's having a late night...i told him many many times not to go to bed angry n upset ...n he did promised me tat? but why cant he keep his promises? when the time comes ..he'll just say....can u dont be so inconsiderate!!!?? i need to work tomm one k!! im not like u sitting at home doing nuthing! it's just so BLARDY UNFAIR!!! if he can stay up for his frens for a movie n stay up for football or yumcha or watever tat is when he has work the next day...why cant he do the same when i REALLY NEEDED HIM? where was he when i needed himthe most? HE"S SLEEPING!!! i felt so unimportant n unfair...
i always thought he loved me...you can say he treats me well during normal times altho i wud like muchmore romance in our r'ship but the longer im with him...the more i realised tat he's a fair weather bf...he'll only be there for you whenever ur doing somethin he likes n whenever ur happy n fine...but when the first sign of trouble shows up...he fled n create 10,000 excuses not to be there for you...is tat supposed to be love???
i always have doubts if we were meant to be together...we're totally opposites...some ppl say opposite attracts but from my experience...it does initially n further down the road...u remain as opposites n u'll nvr see face to face again... his family is religious n formal...n he used to be religious too..n mebbe he still is...im from a carefree family who can joke around n say things about each other without getting insulted...totally informall...im a hopeless romantic...n he is literally hopeless in bein romantic...he used to be ...but somehow tat died along the process of dating...i talk thru problems n he walk thru problems....he prefers to go out while i prefer to stay in n cuddle...he's independent n im emotionally dependant...im spiritual n he's defn not...sometimes i wonder what he sees in me n if im stil the gal that he used to date n still would like to date...
mebbe we've been thru so much n we're tired....im so emotionally drained over the years...it dries up my passion in life...am i happy? i dont know...i have my moments..but are they for real? sometimes i thought i love him...but was it just a passing stage?
what about the memmories we used to have?sometimes i think im just too attached to the memories n tats what caused me so much of heartache n unable to pull away...sometimes i just wish to be free...to be free from hurt...i have trust issues with him...i used to think of him as an honest man...tats one of the priorities i look for in my partner...yet that image shattered after numerous times he cheated n lied...i began to doubt my ability to judge a man...am i just too blindly in love to notice that he's the wrong guy for me? or am i just too afraid to let go n move on? is what i have for him love? or was it jjust dependency n the fear of being alone? i used to be so in love...i missed that tingling feeling when ur loved one is near...the pure hapiness u felt when u see their face..the way they pamper u...the way they support you..the way they pick u up when ur down n be there for you nomatter what n go thru thetough times with you hand in hand...was tat all just fairytale? i know passion do fade after awhile n the most precious journey began the moment after tat...cos ur comfortable in each others presence...u trust each other completely....ur not afraid to show ur true colours cos u know tey'll love you regardless...they way u trust them with ur heart...u let ur guard down n be totally vulnerable...
is he still proud of me? is he happy? n does he love me? it stirred up quite a string of thoughts when the other day he told me that im just not that kinda gurl he's comfortable sayin romantic things to....what does tat mean? maybe he doesnt realise it..but tats a pretty obvious sign that im not the one for him...we're not romantically linked...we're more buddies than lovers...howdo i know he'sthe right one forme> ? we're heading towards our 6th annivesary...is this a waste of time? i know guys became more marketable when they get more stable n older but gals dont get tat sorta luxury...i know i need to thin k bout the future soon...is he THE ONE? i thought it shud be obvious buit how come it's so confusing for me...we've talked about eventually getting married n settling down with a family...im trying to talk to him more n try to discover further how i really felt deep inside...my frens asked me if i thought of marrying himsomeday n i always said yes but deep down inside theres just so much uncertainty....ive told myself before that i'll nvr be able to forgive someone who've cheated on me...n i've read too many articles that told me that 99% of the guys donot just cheat once n stopp...n certainly do not stop after twice...isnt that a sign..?mebbe im unable to let go of the past...even hw much ive been trying to get over it...memories are there...n it hurts...it always feel so fresh like it happened yesterday...after typing all these out...i know deep down insdie im not able to forgive him for what he did to me...mebbe the firsttime it is bearable ..but not after all timess...his inabillity to keep his promises is also a powerful sign of an untrustable guy... the question i have for myself is...y am i still with him?? mebbe theres still apart of me that wanted to give it a try...wantedto make things work...wanted to love him...n wanted us to be happy...but are we???can we???
he tends to take matters into his own hands...he doesnt tell me straight away if he's unhappy with me...he did not realised that those things will remain insdie him nrot n reflects thruhis behaviour n attitude towards me...i truly dont know what to do...is this how a r;ship is suposed to be? the biggest hurdle is...how can i trust him n how can i communicate with him when he's unable to talk thru problems...i know the probs rooted in his upbringing...the way he communicated with his family shows tat he seldom communicate his feelings...they talk about love alot but nvr share the problems ...i dont know but mebbe tats where it all started...n how can i turn things around?
he nvr slammed the fon down at me before...tonight was the first...everytime he'll warn me n say he's putting down the fon if i dont stop talking...n those are bigger probs..but nvr a problem this small n nvr a change of mood n temper this fast....what is happenning to us? he din even call back to talk things thru n he knew i have prob sleeping n he knew im very upset...n he nvr did wish me gdnight n this is under the circumstances that i didnt even shout at him n we hvt really talk much..n he's hundreds of miles away...is it necessary to hurt me this way? mebbe i meant nothing to him anymore..seeing me hurt no longer bothers him...being rude to me no longer seems inappropriate...i used to be the one swearing whenever im angry at the beginning of the r'ship..the on losing the temper n the one refused to talk...n he's the opposite...i nvr knew what happened in btwn just like i nvr knew why he cheated....
he runined my self esteem...my securities...my ability to trust...n why the hell am i stil here? mebbe im just a saddist n i need help...
i've been cryin n did nuthing for 4hrs since he last called me....its no help for my depression at all...he called me...n we talk...he talked bout his sleep over with his buddies yet i dont know why i just felt this pang of anger outta no where...the emotions just rushed into my head...i have no control over it....i didnt know where it came from n i didnt know how to stop it...what i knew was...he seems to have so much fun yesterday night...it's defn not jealousy but this frus in me tat just cant wait to get out...my mind was thinking...how can he have fun when it's WAYY over his bed time...n he told me tat this happens whenever he's out with his buddies...n i kinda knew where all this pent up anger came from....im angry tat he had fun stayin up late!! n he aint complaining!!! its so obvious its all just bout me...whenever we argued n im sad...its always his excuse to be tired n need to get some sleep! dont u think its a much valid excuse to stay awake cos ur gf is upset n u knew she wudnt get any rest n wud be awfully hurt n upset when she's left alone? doesnt he know tat gals need to be comforted n settle everything in their head before they can rest? n why a football match or a movie be a better reason to stay up??? y do i always get pushed aside ? i dnmean tosound like a hypocrite...i did wan him to have fun..but mebbe all the pent up frus n unsettled emotions piled up from the past comes back n haunt u...cant he see tat?? cant he see that it's all pent up emotions? its not just this particular one time..it happens all the time whenever he's having a late night...i told him many many times not to go to bed angry n upset ...n he did promised me tat? but why cant he keep his promises? when the time comes ..he'll just say....can u dont be so inconsiderate!!!?? i need to work tomm one k!! im not like u sitting at home doing nuthing! it's just so BLARDY UNFAIR!!! if he can stay up for his frens for a movie n stay up for football or yumcha or watever tat is when he has work the next day...why cant he do the same when i REALLY NEEDED HIM? where was he when i needed himthe most? HE"S SLEEPING!!! i felt so unimportant n unfair...
i always thought he loved me...you can say he treats me well during normal times altho i wud like muchmore romance in our r'ship but the longer im with him...the more i realised tat he's a fair weather bf...he'll only be there for you whenever ur doing somethin he likes n whenever ur happy n fine...but when the first sign of trouble shows up...he fled n create 10,000 excuses not to be there for you...is tat supposed to be love???
i always have doubts if we were meant to be together...we're totally opposites...some ppl say opposite attracts but from my experience...it does initially n further down the road...u remain as opposites n u'll nvr see face to face again... his family is religious n formal...n he used to be religious too..n mebbe he still is...im from a carefree family who can joke around n say things about each other without getting insulted...totally informall...im a hopeless romantic...n he is literally hopeless in bein romantic...he used to be ...but somehow tat died along the process of dating...i talk thru problems n he walk thru problems....he prefers to go out while i prefer to stay in n cuddle...he's independent n im emotionally dependant...im spiritual n he's defn not...sometimes i wonder what he sees in me n if im stil the gal that he used to date n still would like to date...
mebbe we've been thru so much n we're tired....im so emotionally drained over the years...it dries up my passion in life...am i happy? i dont know...i have my moments..but are they for real? sometimes i thought i love him...but was it just a passing stage?
what about the memmories we used to have?sometimes i think im just too attached to the memories n tats what caused me so much of heartache n unable to pull away...sometimes i just wish to be free...to be free from hurt...i have trust issues with him...i used to think of him as an honest man...tats one of the priorities i look for in my partner...yet that image shattered after numerous times he cheated n lied...i began to doubt my ability to judge a man...am i just too blindly in love to notice that he's the wrong guy for me? or am i just too afraid to let go n move on? is what i have for him love? or was it jjust dependency n the fear of being alone? i used to be so in love...i missed that tingling feeling when ur loved one is near...the pure hapiness u felt when u see their face..the way they pamper u...the way they support you..the way they pick u up when ur down n be there for you nomatter what n go thru thetough times with you hand in hand...was tat all just fairytale? i know passion do fade after awhile n the most precious journey began the moment after tat...cos ur comfortable in each others presence...u trust each other completely....ur not afraid to show ur true colours cos u know tey'll love you regardless...they way u trust them with ur heart...u let ur guard down n be totally vulnerable...
is he still proud of me? is he happy? n does he love me? it stirred up quite a string of thoughts when the other day he told me that im just not that kinda gurl he's comfortable sayin romantic things to....what does tat mean? maybe he doesnt realise it..but tats a pretty obvious sign that im not the one for him...we're not romantically linked...we're more buddies than lovers...howdo i know he'sthe right one forme> ? we're heading towards our 6th annivesary...is this a waste of time? i know guys became more marketable when they get more stable n older but gals dont get tat sorta luxury...i know i need to thin k bout the future soon...is he THE ONE? i thought it shud be obvious buit how come it's so confusing for me...we've talked about eventually getting married n settling down with a family...im trying to talk to him more n try to discover further how i really felt deep inside...my frens asked me if i thought of marrying himsomeday n i always said yes but deep down inside theres just so much uncertainty....ive told myself before that i'll nvr be able to forgive someone who've cheated on me...n i've read too many articles that told me that 99% of the guys donot just cheat once n stopp...n certainly do not stop after twice...isnt that a sign..?mebbe im unable to let go of the past...even hw much ive been trying to get over it...memories are there...n it hurts...it always feel so fresh like it happened yesterday...after typing all these out...i know deep down insdie im not able to forgive him for what he did to me...mebbe the firsttime it is bearable ..but not after all timess...his inabillity to keep his promises is also a powerful sign of an untrustable guy... the question i have for myself is...y am i still with him?? mebbe theres still apart of me that wanted to give it a try...wantedto make things work...wanted to love him...n wanted us to be happy...but are we???can we???
he tends to take matters into his own hands...he doesnt tell me straight away if he's unhappy with me...he did not realised that those things will remain insdie him nrot n reflects thruhis behaviour n attitude towards me...i truly dont know what to do...is this how a r;ship is suposed to be? the biggest hurdle is...how can i trust him n how can i communicate with him when he's unable to talk thru problems...i know the probs rooted in his upbringing...the way he communicated with his family shows tat he seldom communicate his feelings...they talk about love alot but nvr share the problems ...i dont know but mebbe tats where it all started...n how can i turn things around?
he nvr slammed the fon down at me before...tonight was the first...everytime he'll warn me n say he's putting down the fon if i dont stop talking...n those are bigger probs..but nvr a problem this small n nvr a change of mood n temper this fast....what is happenning to us? he din even call back to talk things thru n he knew i have prob sleeping n he knew im very upset...n he nvr did wish me gdnight n this is under the circumstances that i didnt even shout at him n we hvt really talk much..n he's hundreds of miles away...is it necessary to hurt me this way? mebbe i meant nothing to him anymore..seeing me hurt no longer bothers him...being rude to me no longer seems inappropriate...i used to be the one swearing whenever im angry at the beginning of the r'ship..the on losing the temper n the one refused to talk...n he's the opposite...i nvr knew what happened in btwn just like i nvr knew why he cheated....
he runined my self esteem...my securities...my ability to trust...n why the hell am i stil here? mebbe im just a saddist n i need help...
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
the landing of the psychedelic angel...
well well...what have we here...Im trying to blog again!! *round of applause to moi*...everyone around me seems to have a blog and somehow seems to be able to upkeep their blog pretty often. It amazes me sometimes..how do they do it?? the preservation and time needed to keep this giant going and to amuse thousands of readers a day...i suck in writing n i sure as hell wont know what to write as i type away idly.....
It felt good to be back..i miss those days when nick n i used to blog nearly every single day....we update each other on our lives and he seems to care more about the r;ship n defn was more aware n sensitive bout my feelings..it felt good to know whats going in his mind....i wish we could blog again......but i guess he wont have the time or commitment to do so..he rather spend his time watching TV nowadays more than anything...r;ship is probably the last thing on his mind..... he just wanna meet up....meet his unspoken quota of seeing me at least twice a week and get it over with....it felt so wrong.....
btw...im lost for words now...dang....ta
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It felt good to be back..i miss those days when nick n i used to blog nearly every single day....we update each other on our lives and he seems to care more about the r;ship n defn was more aware n sensitive bout my feelings..it felt good to know whats going in his mind....i wish we could blog again......but i guess he wont have the time or commitment to do so..he rather spend his time watching TV nowadays more than anything...r;ship is probably the last thing on his mind..... he just wanna meet up....meet his unspoken quota of seeing me at least twice a week and get it over with....it felt so wrong.....
btw...im lost for words now...dang....ta
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