Tonight has been bad for me...i told myself i havta study..im left behind yet im not able to do so...i think i might have depression...i cant sleep well..im not eating too well...n i definitely dont feel well at all...im so stressed out n emotional...n he's not helping at all...i thought 3 weeks will fly by in a blink..it kinda did...at least in my studies...anyway...back to my depression...i thought it'll go away eventually..im sleepin a bit better compared to the time when im sick yet tonight i cant seem to settle my mind...
i've been cryin n did nuthing for 4hrs since he last called me....its no help for my depression at all...he called me...n we talk...he talked bout his sleep over with his buddies yet i dont know why i just felt this pang of anger outta no where...the emotions just rushed into my head...i have no control over it....i didnt know where it came from n i didnt know how to stop it...what i knew was...he seems to have so much fun yesterday night...it's defn not jealousy but this frus in me tat just cant wait to get out...my mind was thinking...how can he have fun when it's WAYY over his bed time...n he told me tat this happens whenever he's out with his buddies...n i kinda knew where all this pent up anger came from....im angry tat he had fun stayin up late!! n he aint complaining!!! its so obvious its all just bout me...whenever we argued n im sad...its always his excuse to be tired n need to get some sleep! dont u think its a much valid excuse to stay awake cos ur gf is upset n u knew she wudnt get any rest n wud be awfully hurt n upset when she's left alone? doesnt he know tat gals need to be comforted n settle everything in their head before they can rest? n why a football match or a movie be a better reason to stay up??? y do i always get pushed aside ? i dnmean tosound like a hypocrite...i did wan him to have fun..but mebbe all the pent up frus n unsettled emotions piled up from the past comes back n haunt u...cant he see tat?? cant he see that it's all pent up emotions? its not just this particular one time..it happens all the time whenever he's having a late night...i told him many many times not to go to bed angry n upset ...n he did promised me tat? but why cant he keep his promises? when the time comes ..he'll just say....can u dont be so inconsiderate!!!?? i need to work tomm one k!! im not like u sitting at home doing nuthing! it's just so BLARDY UNFAIR!!! if he can stay up for his frens for a movie n stay up for football or yumcha or watever tat is when he has work the next day...why cant he do the same when i REALLY NEEDED HIM? where was he when i needed himthe most? HE"S SLEEPING!!! i felt so unimportant n unfair...
i always thought he loved me...you can say he treats me well during normal times altho i wud like muchmore romance in our r'ship but the longer im with him...the more i realised tat he's a fair weather bf...he'll only be there for you whenever ur doing somethin he likes n whenever ur happy n fine...but when the first sign of trouble shows up...he fled n create 10,000 excuses not to be there for you...is tat supposed to be love???
i always have doubts if we were meant to be together...we're totally opposites...some ppl say opposite attracts but from my experience...it does initially n further down the road...u remain as opposites n u'll nvr see face to face again... his family is religious n formal...n he used to be religious too..n mebbe he still is...im from a carefree family who can joke around n say things about each other without getting insulted...totally informall...im a hopeless romantic...n he is literally hopeless in bein romantic...he used to be ...but somehow tat died along the process of dating...i talk thru problems n he walk thru problems....he prefers to go out while i prefer to stay in n cuddle...he's independent n im emotionally dependant...im spiritual n he's defn not...sometimes i wonder what he sees in me n if im stil the gal that he used to date n still would like to date...
mebbe we've been thru so much n we're tired....im so emotionally drained over the years...it dries up my passion in life...am i happy? i dont know...i have my moments..but are they for real? sometimes i thought i love him...but was it just a passing stage?
what about the memmories we used to have?sometimes i think im just too attached to the memories n tats what caused me so much of heartache n unable to pull away...sometimes i just wish to be free...to be free from hurt...i have trust issues with him...i used to think of him as an honest man...tats one of the priorities i look for in my partner...yet that image shattered after numerous times he cheated n lied...i began to doubt my ability to judge a man...am i just too blindly in love to notice that he's the wrong guy for me? or am i just too afraid to let go n move on? is what i have for him love? or was it jjust dependency n the fear of being alone? i used to be so in love...i missed that tingling feeling when ur loved one is near...the pure hapiness u felt when u see their face..the way they pamper u...the way they support you..the way they pick u up when ur down n be there for you nomatter what n go thru thetough times with you hand in hand...was tat all just fairytale? i know passion do fade after awhile n the most precious journey began the moment after tat...cos ur comfortable in each others presence...u trust each other completely....ur not afraid to show ur true colours cos u know tey'll love you regardless...they way u trust them with ur heart...u let ur guard down n be totally vulnerable...
is he still proud of me? is he happy? n does he love me? it stirred up quite a string of thoughts when the other day he told me that im just not that kinda gurl he's comfortable sayin romantic things to....what does tat mean? maybe he doesnt realise it..but tats a pretty obvious sign that im not the one for him...we're not romantically linked...we're more buddies than lovers...howdo i know he'sthe right one forme> ? we're heading towards our 6th annivesary...is this a waste of time? i know guys became more marketable when they get more stable n older but gals dont get tat sorta luxury...i know i need to thin k bout the future soon...is he THE ONE? i thought it shud be obvious buit how come it's so confusing for me...we've talked about eventually getting married n settling down with a family...im trying to talk to him more n try to discover further how i really felt deep inside...my frens asked me if i thought of marrying himsomeday n i always said yes but deep down inside theres just so much uncertainty....ive told myself before that i'll nvr be able to forgive someone who've cheated on me...n i've read too many articles that told me that 99% of the guys donot just cheat once n stopp...n certainly do not stop after twice...isnt that a sign..?mebbe im unable to let go of the past...even hw much ive been trying to get over it...memories are there...n it hurts...it always feel so fresh like it happened yesterday...after typing all these out...i know deep down insdie im not able to forgive him for what he did to me...mebbe the firsttime it is bearable ..but not after all timess...his inabillity to keep his promises is also a powerful sign of an untrustable guy... the question i have for myself is...y am i still with him?? mebbe theres still apart of me that wanted to give it a try...wantedto make things work...wanted to love him...n wanted us to be happy...but are we???can we???
he tends to take matters into his own hands...he doesnt tell me straight away if he's unhappy with me...he did not realised that those things will remain insdie him nrot n reflects thruhis behaviour n attitude towards me...i truly dont know what to do...is this how a r;ship is suposed to be? the biggest hurdle is...how can i trust him n how can i communicate with him when he's unable to talk thru problems...i know the probs rooted in his upbringing...the way he communicated with his family shows tat he seldom communicate his feelings...they talk about love alot but nvr share the problems ...i dont know but mebbe tats where it all started...n how can i turn things around?
he nvr slammed the fon down at me before...tonight was the first...everytime he'll warn me n say he's putting down the fon if i dont stop talking...n those are bigger probs..but nvr a problem this small n nvr a change of mood n temper this fast....what is happenning to us? he din even call back to talk things thru n he knew i have prob sleeping n he knew im very upset...n he nvr did wish me gdnight n this is under the circumstances that i didnt even shout at him n we hvt really talk much..n he's hundreds of miles away...is it necessary to hurt me this way? mebbe i meant nothing to him anymore..seeing me hurt no longer bothers him...being rude to me no longer seems inappropriate...i used to be the one swearing whenever im angry at the beginning of the r'ship..the on losing the temper n the one refused to talk...n he's the opposite...i nvr knew what happened in btwn just like i nvr knew why he cheated....
he runined my self esteem...my securities...my ability to trust...n why the hell am i stil here? mebbe im just a saddist n i need help...
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